From the Archives: My Thoughts on Cheerleading

This was originally posted on May 4, 2005. My thoughts have stayed the same:

Texas OK's Cheerleading Ban
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What is their purpose anyway? I have NEVER felt the urge to cheer on my team because a cheerleader screamed "We've got spirit, we want to hear it, we've got spirit." Pompom's? Where did they come from? Who was the mad genius who invented the cheerleader? How about giving me some real cheers that go on in the stands? Now that would be awesome! Imagine a cheerleader screaming "Kick His Butt! Kick His Butt!" or "2, 4, 6, 8, Who will we asphyxiate? YOUR MOM, YOUR MOM, HOORAY!" Now that is cheerleading I could get into!
Just to stir the waters even more, let me say cheerleading is NOT A SPORT. If cheerleading is a sport, then why isn't there a huge "last one standing" fight between the opposing teams cheerleaders? I could watch that too! We could get a steel cage match going. Megaphones would be allowed in. Spiked Pompoms would be allowed. Since they are good at acrobatic moves, it should be awesome to see them grab an opponent, put them on top of a three level pyramid and SUPLEX! That is action! That is excitement!
How do they scout for cheerleading scholarships? "Wow! I loved the way she articulated "We want six."" "Did you see the form she had with that Pompom?" "Terrific job holding on to that paper sign as the football team ran through it, even though it was raining...you're in the zone girl!" "Did you see her arm when she threw that football into the crowd? What a rifle!"
Guy cheerleaders...you are special. After all, we know that you only cheerlead for the team. We know that NONE of it has to do with the fact you will be spending hour after hour with the hottest, most popular girls in your school. We admire your dedication to the team despite the fact you have to catch a falling cheerleader in your arms. We see you take one for the team when you offer backrubs and comfort to your fellow cheerleaders, but its only for team morale. We honor you for spending so much time with the cheerleaders traveling from place to place and never once thinking "Man...I really like her...NOTICE ME!!!!"
Ban Cheerleaders...period.
"Mamma's, don't let your babies grow up to be cheerleaders,
Don't let 'em shake pompoms and do handstands..